There are highs and lows, happy and sad times, wins and losses in life. Days with lots of light and laughter are rare. Other days, we feel lost and alone. Harsh criticism, self-blame, and high standards are easy to give in to during these times. But what if we could be as kind, caring, and understanding to ourselves as we would be to a close friend or family member who is going through the same thing? Self-compassion is an attitude towards yourself that combines kindness, mindfulness, and the idea that everyone is human.
Kristin Neff, a psychologist, came up with the idea of self-compassion in the late 1960s. However, the idea has its roots in Eastern spiritual traditions like Buddhism, which date back hundreds of years. In the last few decades, many studies have looked into the mental health benefits of practicing self-compassion. They have found that it makes a big difference in areas like physical health, emotional well-being, and social connections. Self-compassion is also becoming more and more accepted as an important part of modern psychology, with experts pointing out that it can improve a number of therapy approaches.
Self-compassion means treating ourselves with the same kindness, care, and love that we would give to a close friend who is going through the same kind of pain. Recognising our pain instead of seeing it as a sign of our flaws or mistakes is part of it. Self-compassion tells us not to beat ourselves up over our flaws or mistakes, but to instead look at them with mild interest and offer ourselves comfort and support.
The word “self-compassion” might seem like a contradiction, especially given how much we value independence, autonomy, and success, but it’s something that you should look into further. Being kind and compassionate to yourself is not selfish or indulgent. Instead, it means recognising that you’re a person with the same flaws and limitations as everyone else. Self-compassion doesn’t make you feel sorry for yourself or weak; instead, it makes you strong, flexible, and at peace with yourself.
Why is it important to compensate yourself?
Research has shown over and over that being kind to yourself can improve your mental health. Researchers have found that people who are more kind to themselves have less worry, anxiety, and depression (Neff & Germer, 2013). Also, they tend to be happier with their lives, stronger, and healthier generally. Self-compassion may also help people with chronic pain feel better, have better relationships, and be more motivated to do things (Mindful Self-Compassion, n.d.).
Also, practicing self-compassion can help you deal with feelings of loneliness and separation. Participants who practiced self-compassion reported higher levels of social connectedness than those who didn’t (Olson et al., 2018). The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Also, studies show that people who are self-compassionate may be less likely to act in ways that are socially unacceptable, such as being angry, jealous, or resentful (Leary et al., 2007). These results show that self-compassion can make a big difference in promoting good social interactions and helpful behaviours.
How to Develop Self-Compassion: Useful Advice
Here are five useful tips to help you start practicing self-compassion, whether you’re new to the idea or having trouble making it a part of your daily life:
Practice meditating with mindfulness
Mindfulness practice is one of the best ways to learn to be kind to yourself. We can start to see patterns of self-criticism and deal with them in a more kind and understanding way if we learn to watch our thoughts without judging them. To do this at home, find a place that is quiet and won’t bother you. Then, find a relaxed position and concentrate on your breath. When thoughts come up, just be aware of them and then slowly bring your attention back to your breathing. Over time, this practice can help you learn how to control your emotions and become more self-aware and accepting of yourself.
How to do it:
a) Find a quiet place away from distractions; b) Sit up straight on a cushioned chair or mat; c) Close your eyes or look softly at a fixed point; d) Take a few slow breaths to relax; e) Focus on your body sensations, starting at the bottom of your feet and working your way up; f) Notice any thoughts, emotions, or body sensations that come up without labelling or judging them; g) If your mind starts to wander, gently bring your attention back to your breath; h) Do this for a few minutes at a time,
Write yourself a letter.
Writing yourself a letter is another good way to practise self-compassion. Imagine that a close friend came to you and told you about their problems. Then write them a heartfelt response that tells them you see their strengths, believe in their worth, and offer words of hope and support. Last, read your message out loud, but this time, change your friend’s name to your own. This exercise can help you train your brain to think about and treat yourself with kindness.
How to do it:
a) Find a quiet place and set aside time for this activity. b) Think of a close friend who is currently going through a hard time. c) Imagine how you would respond if they told you about their problems. d) Write your letter to “Dear Friend.” e) Remind them of all the reasons you believe in their ability to get through it. f) Tell them to take things one day at a time and celebrate small wins along the way. g) Offer words of affirmation and reassurance, reminding them of their inherent worthiness and goodness. h) Read your letter out loud, replacing your friend’s name with your own. i) Think about how it made you feel and consider making a promise to do acts of self-kindness and compassion every day.
Be thankful every day.
Being grateful is another important part of self-compassion because it helps us see the good in our lives instead of just focussing on the bad. Making being thankful a regular part of our lives can help our moods, make us happier, and make us more happy (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). You could write in a gratitude book every day, tell people you appreciate them, or think about three blessings every night before bed.
Get better at forgiving yourself.
People are human, so every once in a while we make mistakes and have problems. To really be kind to ourselves, we need to accept our flaws and forgive ourselves when we fail. Forgiving yourself can help you let go of guilt and shame, which can give you more energy and hope for the future. You might want to make things right when you can, ask for comments to learn and improve, and see mistakes as chances to grow and improve.
Connect with Other People
Lastly, making friends can help you learn to be kind to yourself. Being kind to others often makes us feel good about ourselves, too, causing a positive and giving chain reaction. Volunteering, doing community service, or regularly reaching out to loved ones are all activities that can help you feel connected, like you belong, and like you have a purpose in life. These activities can also help you build self-compassion.
Self-compassion is a powerful way to improve our physical and mental health, lower our stress, strengthen our relationships, and encourage us to do good things for other people. It takes conscious work and practice to develop self-compassion, but the benefits are great. There are many ways to become more self-kind and understanding, such as through mindfulness meditation, writing a loving letter to yourself, practicing thankfulness, learning to forgive yourself, or connecting with other people. Anyone can start this life-changing journey and enjoy all the many benefits of self-compassion if they are patient, persistent, and dedicated.